Making Peace With My Womb, My Path of Healing.
Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go - Nikita Gill
I want to share all of my story of infertility, even the parts I have locked away as I felt ashamed. I hope that your read this with love and not judgement. My intention is to share my truth and maybe that will help another women going through the same.
Where it all began
I started my period at around 14 and pretty soon after the pain started. I took strong pain relief every month & that seemed to work. At 16 my cycle became irregular. I was put on the pill, like so many other girls were. This had a whole host of side effects for me but my cycle was regular so I persevered.
A few years later they discontinued my pill, so I stopped taking it. Suddenly the pain and the complications that had been masked by the pill got much worse. I had a whole host of issues that I thought at the time were unrelated including IBS (which can be an early sign of hormonal imbalance). The signs were there that something was not right from a very young age.
At 21 I went off to university to find out soon after I was pregnant. I decided not to continue with the pregnancy, which was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. I knew I was not ready for motherhood. It was a painful decision and it took me years to get over. I carried so much shame and guilt for my decision that I think I totally disconnected from my womb. I buried the pain in partying and working on my career and numbing myself in a haze of drink and drugs.
My journey with infertility
Fast forward to my mid 30s, I started to get this niggling feeling that something was not right with my fertility. A little voice told me to get it checked out. After several tests I was told that I had severe scarring on my left tube but the right one was still functioning. I was warned my fertility was limited, so not to wait too long.
It took a few more years to realise that I could not fall naturally, at 41 I had IVF. It was unsuccessful, which was hard but after the initial shock and a couple of weeks of sadness something shifted in me. I realised that being a mum to a little human was not meant for me. It was like a wave had washed over me and that chapter was over for me.
Healing & Acceptance
About a year after the failed IVF, I was introduced to doterra oils. I learned that essential oils could maybe help me with my period pain. I used two oils in particular - Clary Calm and Clary sage daily and I started to noticed changes every month. The pain started to shift and by month three I was able to stop taking any medication (first time in my life). I had no idea the oils could do this help me in such a powerful physical and emotional way.
It was like the oils had opened up a whole new world opened for me. I started to be guided in other ways too, to read more about womb healing and explore new practises as ways to heal. I realised that I was not alone and that so many women held trauma in their wombs (many times its ancestral trauma that is not even ours). I started to listen and connect to my womb and explore. Even the most simple practise of placing my hands on my womb & taking time to connect helped me so much.
It´s funny how the universe works
A couple of years on, a few of the girls in my pre-natal yoga class started to say I should train as a doula as my energy was so grounding (I never thought possible as I had no children of my own) I reached out to a Doula on the island and told her that I felt called to follow this up. Funnily enough there was course starting the following month.
The course was amazing and definitely connected me so much more to my own womb and to a whole new world of mothering mothers.
I have since helped many it is such a women (and families) since and it is such an honour to do this work. I feel so blessed that I can now support women in this way and be part of the most precious and beautiful experience that is birth.
I want women who can´t have children to know that this can be a positive experience and that there are ways we can be happy and help and support other women and accept this is our chosen path.
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